If only...

If only I can leave you, dump you alone behind and move on happily. I want to honestly. After I found out that you lied. I hate people who lied to me. Especially, you knew it too. But, I realized no matter how much I hated people who lied to me... I cannot manage to hate you like how I thought I could from the start. Maybe, I've placed too much into this relationship like what my mum said.

No matter how badly you've treated me, I just can't hate you like how I could to others. I hated how my heart is being so stubborn. Still hoping that there's a last chance together. Wishing that some miracle will happen. Looking back, I knew I made a lot of mistake for not trying to understand how much you went through for me. But when I read through the messages you sent to my mum again, actually you've already made a choice. You've decided to run away from the pressures and stress. You felt that you can't take it and chose to leave me hanging alone than facing it together with me. It disappoints me a lot and you're right.. You've let me down. But that's not what I want to hear and know. What I want is you to continue trying again. Yet, you seem to be seemingly uncaring to me now. You even asked someone else yet, lied to me that it's relative dinner. Why lie to me if you've no feelings at all? Why lie to me and not just admit it to me? Do I affect you so much? I don't get it.

Although I agree that I did something wrong at the end, but have you ever thought why did this happen? It's because of that particular someone. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be like this. I agree. I didn't control my emotions and let it run wildly which hurt you. But, guess what? I changed. So what if we proved that relationship doesn't affect our studies? So what if I really can change? So what if I am willing to get hurt and go through and resolve problems with you again? Do you want it? I doubt so. Because it's not because of my temper. It's because you have never forgotten her before. I knew it. I knew it deep down. Since I knew it, I don't know why my heart still remains stubborn, hoping to be with you again. I am clearly awake. I don't want to be her shadow, a sacrificial product. Yet, I still don't want to lose you at the same time.

If you were to ask me again, and I were to agree, I am taking a huge risk. However, I think that it's a chance and wishful thinking of approximately 0.000000001%. Yet, I'm still hoping for it to happen.. Why am I so stupid and silly? Even I myself know, yet I still want to do it. :/ I'm confused! I want yet having second thoughts.. Who is able to help me? :/

The thought of you doing what you are currently hurt me even deeper than before... Yet, I no longer feel as pain as before. Maybe, after those times... I've gotten used to it? But is it still possible? :/ The feeling of hoping to be iwth you again is still there. Until then... I guess, I won't be able to give up? But you really change my perspective of you.. Maybe you're not as innocent as I thought you are.. Maybe you're not as mature as I thought you'll be.. I've thought about many things.. I just hope that whatever you've said in the past is truly, deep down from your heart.. Now I realized that actually I am able to be much more understanding. Although family is also an important factor, but I can tahan just for you. Maybe it's too late? Or maybe you've never loved me at all..? Only yours truly know.

Although the target isn't me now.. Yes, I do feel sad at times. But, I am even more upset when I see you so depressed over her.. You once said.. ' You happy = I happy, You sad= I sad." I guess, it doesn't applies to you but me too. Because... when I see you frustrated, angry and cry, I feel the same too. I want to find ways and hope that I am the one that can make you happy again. I used to be able to.. But I guess... probably, you won't even want to see me now.. Yet, I am feeling it all now.

I just can't do it! :/