Jealousy kills. -.-

Damn! I'm so pissed right now. Urgh! -.-
Last time can't stay up late and now what? Slept at 2.50 am?!
Worst still ! Whatsapp-ing a girl? Honestly, I seriously don't get you! -.-
And why would I care so much? Why am I so pissed and jealous? -.-
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! :/

Prelim.

Got back prelim results!

English  C5
Maths A1
Principle of accounts A1
Mother tongue A2
Combine science (physics/Chemistry) A2
Literature C6
Combine Humanities C6

Well! Enough to calculate my L1R4.
Hee hee! So happy that my L1R4 is 11. But I do hope that it can go lower.. However overall, I'm pretty satisfied! (: Just hope that during O level results release, it will be a happy occasion and not a sad one! Actually, I'm quite surprised and shocked that I could maintain and get a better result than my mid year and prep! There's just too many things happening this year. I just wished for a peaceful, calm life with no more troubles, get good O level results and if... the special someone is still with me.. (:

Heart broken.

No matter how much I miss you, I can only pretend I don't..
Even if I want to care for you, I have to pretend I don't..
How long can this last? I hope someone could give me a definite answer. However, no one could. They only told me, as time passes, things do fade away as well as the pain I feel.

I felt really heart broken seeing you like this. Knowing that the hardwork we put in together yet because of her or some reason, you actually affect the results. I really feel like hating you after all these you've done. But, I couldn't force/ make myself too... Although I'm being hurt so badly, scarred so badly... I just couldn't. I want a way of relief now.. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be strong.. I'm very tired of all these now.. I wish things could be back like normal. Like how we used to be. Enjoying time & working hard together, lovingly... <\3

You're gone...

The first day of POA lesson without you with me.
The first time you past by me without a hi or a bye.
The first time we went tuition without holding hands.
The first time you didn't even bother about me.
The first time you didn't look at me.
The first time you didn't walk me back home.
The first time you did not wake me up for school and meet me to walk to school.
The first time we didn't even walk to tuition together.
The first time we didn't have lunch after school.
The first time the girl beside you during a movie isn't me.
The first time you wished you could send her home.
The first time you lied to me about dinner with your relative.

I missed us. The old us. You've changed. Totally changed.but I don't know why I still can't bear to let you go? Why I still feel the pain? I am hating you for treating me like this. I am hating you for not being close to me like before. I hate you for treating me like air. I hate how you can live without me unlike the past. I hated us now.

But why do I still feel the pain? The disappointments. The hurt you've given me? Why do I still love you? I just wished that you're back here right beside me.. Why? After so many things you've done, why can't I just hate you and not have feelings for you anymore? Why am I so silly? Why you can be so happy without me with you? Why are things becoming more and more complicated? Why don't you even miss me a single bit? Am I that bad? Or am I so unworthy? Or is it that I meant nothing to you from the start?

Why am I still tearing for you? I thought I could be hard- hearted after all these. I thought that I will never drop another drop of tears for you. Yet, I couldn't and I still did. Why? I just missed being close to you, having fun with you, laugh together with you. I hate being strangers with you. Totally.

Wish you were here...

 

This song totally caught me. It describes my feelings totally. The lyrics shows everything that I am thinking about you now. So much that I hope you know and you can see...:/ Exactly what I want to tell you... I wish you were here with me now. I have so much to say.. But it is left forbidden... :(

I would show you if there's a chance..

If only...

If only I can leave you, dump you alone behind and move on happily. I want to honestly. After I found out that you lied. I hate people who lied to me. Especially, you knew it too. But, I realized no matter how much I hated people who lied to me... I cannot manage to hate you like how I thought I could from the start. Maybe, I've placed too much into this relationship like what my mum said.

No matter how badly you've treated me, I just can't hate you like how I could to others. I hated how my heart is being so stubborn. Still hoping that there's a last chance together. Wishing that some miracle will happen. Looking back, I knew I made a lot of mistake for not trying to understand how much you went through for me. But when I read through the messages you sent to my mum again, actually you've already made a choice. You've decided to run away from the pressures and stress. You felt that you can't take it and chose to leave me hanging alone than facing it together with me. It disappoints me a lot and you're right.. You've let me down. But that's not what I want to hear and know. What I want is you to continue trying again. Yet, you seem to be seemingly uncaring to me now. You even asked someone else yet, lied to me that it's relative dinner. Why lie to me if you've no feelings at all? Why lie to me and not just admit it to me? Do I affect you so much? I don't get it.

Although I agree that I did something wrong at the end, but have you ever thought why did this happen? It's because of that particular someone. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be like this. I agree. I didn't control my emotions and let it run wildly which hurt you. But, guess what? I changed. So what if we proved that relationship doesn't affect our studies? So what if I really can change? So what if I am willing to get hurt and go through and resolve problems with you again? Do you want it? I doubt so. Because it's not because of my temper. It's because you have never forgotten her before. I knew it. I knew it deep down. Since I knew it, I don't know why my heart still remains stubborn, hoping to be with you again. I am clearly awake. I don't want to be her shadow, a sacrificial product. Yet, I still don't want to lose you at the same time.

If you were to ask me again, and I were to agree, I am taking a huge risk. However, I think that it's a chance and wishful thinking of approximately 0.000000001%. Yet, I'm still hoping for it to happen.. Why am I so stupid and silly? Even I myself know, yet I still want to do it. :/ I'm confused! I want yet having second thoughts.. Who is able to help me? :/

The thought of you doing what you are currently hurt me even deeper than before... Yet, I no longer feel as pain as before. Maybe, after those times... I've gotten used to it? But is it still possible? :/ The feeling of hoping to be iwth you again is still there. Until then... I guess, I won't be able to give up? But you really change my perspective of you.. Maybe you're not as innocent as I thought you are.. Maybe you're not as mature as I thought you'll be.. I've thought about many things.. I just hope that whatever you've said in the past is truly, deep down from your heart.. Now I realized that actually I am able to be much more understanding. Although family is also an important factor, but I can tahan just for you. Maybe it's too late? Or maybe you've never loved me at all..? Only yours truly know.

Although the target isn't me now.. Yes, I do feel sad at times. But, I am even more upset when I see you so depressed over her.. You once said.. ' You happy = I happy, You sad= I sad." I guess, it doesn't applies to you but me too. Because... when I see you frustrated, angry and cry, I feel the same too. I want to find ways and hope that I am the one that can make you happy again. I used to be able to.. But I guess... probably, you won't even want to see me now.. Yet, I am feeling it all now.

I just can't do it! :/

Seems like I've alot to say.

Indeed like the title reads. I have alot to say.

A:＂为什么我们的样貌和条件都不错，但到现在还是得不到我们所爱的人？＂
B:＂就是因为我们觉得自己的条件和样貌不错，所以值得跟好的女生，没有珍惜眼前的人，一路陪在我们身边的人，才会落到现在这种地步。＂

English:
A:' Our looks and qualities are not bad but why till now we can get the woman we love?'
B:' It's because all along we think this way, so we think that we deserve someone better and we don't treasure the ones in front of us, those beside us that accompany us through thick and thin. That's why we ended up in this state'.

Saw this conversation in a show between 2 guys. When I saw this show, indeed everything seems very realistic. It's something that will happen in this 21st century. But, I agree with what B replied. It Is so true. I think we always fail to treasure the one in front of us and is always looking for a better one. However when we think back, some times we realized that the one before is actually the best. At that point in time, we'll know we had lost a good chance just because we didn't cherish the one we have before. That time, no matter how much we regret, it wouldn't change a thing.

The truth hurts..

Seems like ' the truth hurts' this phrase is really true. However, I always believed that some truths are sweet and happy ones.

However, after talking to one of my friend, someone who actually supported me and really see me as his friend.. I found out the truth. It was heart breaking. After so long, why is it that it all seems like its nothing? All along I didn't want to think that I'm nothing to someone but he just showed me yesterday. But, if it's like this, why don't you just admit it yourself? I guess it's because the main reason is just you had a change of heart and you're guilty of it. 

Probably you still like her when you're with me. All the messaging caused you to like her again. Like what I've said. I told you I didn't like it and I have a bad feeling about this. About you constantly texting her. You didn't think of me, care about my feelings when you're texting her. As for another, I knew from someone that she's scared that she's the cause of it as she's the one who text you. At first, I thought so too. Now, I think the whole problem lies between you and her.  Even your friend didn't know why you treat me like this. 

Even so, why lie to me? Why lie that it's relative dinner when you're going for a movie with her? Are you thinking that if you can't get her, you'll get back with me? Are you thinking that you don't want to destroy my good image and impression of you? After I knew this, I was horrified. Really horrified. For a short period. Less then a week, you can start again? So, you mean I meant nothing to you at all? These 1 year plus meant nothing? How serious were you about me? It's funny when I guessed everything correctly but you don't want to admit it. Why? Why don't you want to admit it?

Although my head told my heart,' forget about it. He will end up using you and hurting you again. He doesn't even know what he wants. He isn't as great as what you think he is. He wasn't the so called 'good and perfect' one after all. It'll be a trap and it won't last long at all.'

My heart actually replied,' maybe it's just because of other problems. No harm trying again right? It's just one last time and if it doesn't work out, I'll give up. Of course, I hope it's true and I'm not being used as a sacrificial product for her.'

Silly me? After knowing so much, my soft hearted heart still feels this way.  However, like I said. Everything comes after O's. I cannot risked it again and get my exams affected because of these. At least, now he knows how I feel since she's somehow avoiding him by MIA. Worse than me because he still replies with one word sometimes. I guess it's because all along she just treated you as a friend and nothing else. Because she have someone in her heart and will never like someone like you. It's just not her type. That person I know is so much different from you. It's also a stupid idea to make such a quick move after less than a month of your last. It really is.

Even if we were to be back, I won't give so much in it because I don't have the confidence anymore that it'll last. Even if we are back together, I wouldn't trust everything so much anymore. Even if we're back together, i won't let anyone know on my side maybe just my bestfriend who is like my sister. Even if we're together and something happen, as long as I felt that you're no longer worthy and your problems are hurting me again yet you've done nothing to at least try, I'll be the one this time. Not to take revenge but like what you said, ' if it really doesn't work out, no point'. This time, I won't shed a single tear for you anymore. It'll be a slate clean break. Even if it's friends, I won't find you unless you find me. 

At least during the holidays before the start of my tertiary education, I'll be on a short get away to Taiwan. I'm sure to enjoy and relax myself there. Can't wait for it. I guess at that time, with no pressures of studies, even a break and stuff is easier. At that point in time, when you realize you lost someone so close and caring about you, I'm very sure that you'll regret it for life. Just like what your sister had wrote on her blog. It's true. But it should be directed to you, not me. Looking towards to my holidays an tertiary education. Guess boys are still immature to be in a relationship at this age even if they seem reliable and mature. Seriously.

How I wish I did...

 

Came across this on Facebook. I guess this is very true. At least to me. Without trust, it's all nothing. I knew this long ago. But I guess, sometimes I failed to show it to the person I love. If only, I'm not feeling so insecure. Didn't know when it became like this. Maybe, because I grew to be over dependent on that someone. Actually, I can be independent. However, the mentality of " if there's someone for you to depend on, why not?"  I guess, I'm all wrong about it. :/ 

Confuse at mind and heart.

I'm so confused now. I'm so confuse at mind and at heart.
Friends are suppose to help one another at least right? But I got this feeling and mentality that you don't even want to help me at all. When I asked you for something, you said that you'll check. You said that you'll tell me later. But what? NO. No replies at all. When I asked, you told me you don't have. At least after you checked, have the courtesy to tell me? Notify me? And not make me wait for it like a silly fool. Then in the end you say you don't have. Do you really hate me so much? So much that you don't even want to help me at all? We're studying the same subject and you told me you went out to study. How can you even forget to bring the guide out? Then what are you even studying? How you expect me to believe these? I'm not a 7 year old kid. Do I really mean nothing to you anymore? Not even a tiny bit? Seriously.

Really?

Saw this picture on Facebook. Is it true? Today is better than yesterday? I wish to believe in this too. Oh well, I just hope it's true. :/

Mixed feelings:/

Well, ended chemistry prelim at 9.15 am today.
Planned to meet Shadame, Chang yen, Rachel and Julisa for lunch. Asked Sean to tag along. Haha, supposed to meet him today for lunch anyway. Last minute then got to know about poa class at 3pm! Haiz, don't know if I should go or not.. Find it a little meaningless since teacher doesn't really care about us but the sec 4. Haha, oh well.. Hope that it's not compulsory.

Well, like what I've said.. Felt that I should have saved my pictures few days before yesterday before this incident had happened.. But what to do? It's already gone :( I miss looking at certain pictures of us. Makes me feel like i didn't cherish it double times! Of course,  I know what I've promised and told others. However, at times, I really can't take it. Even looking through certain messages or pictures, remembering the silly, happy and funny times we had together just put a smile on my face unknowingly.

However, I knew it clearly myself that things are different. Even if no matter how much I cling to it, there won't be any changes.. Of course, I don't know about the future. But the thought of all these gone, GONE! It really scares me. I am just trying to talk normally to you as a friend. But, your replies are cold. 

This makes me wonder then. All these happened because of something that is not within our control. I know that you said hurtful words to me which really hurts me badly. There could be possibilities of reasons. Maybe you really mean it? Or maybe you just don't want me to get hurt further by pushing me away. In fact, the more you do this, the more I can't stop thinking of the reasons. There's a lot of "why?" in my head, my heart. All unanswered. Maybe that's just me. I'm always looking for answers.

All this sums up to one question : " All these time, how much do I weigh in your heart? How important am I to you? How much of what you told me in the past is true?" If you could forget about us, about me and think of other people now, I don't know how should I feel now. The thought of forgetting about me scares me a lot. It just shows that i'm not important to you and doesn't weigh much in your heart at all...Especially, the times we went through together.. The words you've said.. Looking at what you posted, I never have thoughts that it would be me but other people. Well, there's someone you can let go even after your first. So, I'm not surprised. But, if it's like this... It really makes me think that you are just toying with me and of course, I hope not. Even when I took my courage to ask, you told me it isn't her. I still feel that it's her. I really just can't stop thinking about it. It just shows how insecure I've felt. Of course, what you've typed could meant other things but... this just seemed to have a higher possibility.. :/ 

Seriously, I shouldn't be thinking about this right now. Although I'm determined, but I'm even more determined to do well for my 'O' levels. I'm looking forward to better life in poly. If only the sweet things doesn't end now but is also in my poly life. How great.Haiz, gotta focus on my priority first! Although both are, but exams determines my future so... Alright, time to prepare and study a little before meeting my buddies for lunch. Can't afford to ruin my POA! So, everything's locked up and more studying after lunch! :>

If only it hasn't start at all, if only no one knows even if it started, there won't be any troubles, I won't be troubled, sad and hurt. It's all the ' If only'...

Fated?

Seriously...
I just thought of re-transferring the songs in my phone last time back in. Who knows? When I connected to iTunes, it actually reformatted my phone! >< What's left in my phone is pictures & messages till 19th December only! All the pictures that I took after was gone! :( how I hope I've made a copy before this happens. Haiz... Plus, looking back at the messages makes me wonder, things do really change. It is like fated that the happy things in the past doesn't want to leave at all? All the unhappy messages, times we've gone through are all erased. Omg... :/ don't know to be happy or sad! The pictures I treasured the most are mostly gone! :'(

Haiz, chemistry prelim's tmr... Gonna get my dinner before studying again. Shoulder, neck & headache is back! :( oh well, good luck to all my friends! Better not fail or extra lessons with Cher:/ haha!

It's been long!

It's been a long time since i'm back in here blogging.
It has been 1 year and 8 months since I've blogged. Now, I felt like blogging again.. Maybe it can help me to erase or ease my troubles.

After all the unhappy things that had happened, I suddenly have the thought of coming back in to see how much things have changed. How much I've changed. Indeed, I've changed too. I guess, as time passes.. people and things will change.

I have never ever thought that I will change so much. The change that happened to me isn't really good. Except that people feels that I'm no longer so silent and I'm becoming more direct. I guess, everyone detected my changes except for myself. Maybe my change has hurt someone and people around me without me knowing. It shouldn't have happened at all.

Since sec 3, I used to be a jovial girl, someone who doesn't get affected by my own environment and I'm not so demanding and hot-tempered. However, since sec 5 mid, school has been on my nerves. Not mentioning some people around me who always creates problems for me. Due to all the stress and unhappiness, I hurt someone deeply who has been around with me to support me and help me. I'm so sorry of what I've done to that person. I've never ever mean it. Although that person told me that he has already forgiven me, I do still feel apologetic just because of the unhappiness I've experienced in class and school.

Throughout the year, after looking through the past just recently, I really didn't consider his feeling and situation. I always thought I did a good job, handling all the problems just because he always put up a strong and happy face in front of me. This closest and best friend of mine has always been beside me, supporting me regardless of what. I remembered that this year, I've problems with a girl in my class. I've felt so stressful and unfair that why people always treats me like this when I'm already "running" away from them. I didn't disturb them yet they always tries to find fault with me. Teacher had a talk with both of us and I'm already total depressed. By the end, I couldn't take it anymore and control myself. I left the area rudely. I really can't take all those anymore. I went home crying all the way. This particular friend followed me even though he has class activity going on. He followed me back, quietly, watching me from the back. When I reached home, he comforted me and the look in his eyes is trying to tell me, " everything will be alright. You'll always have me right beside you supporting you, caring for you, listening to your troubles." I hugged him so tightly that day and kept crying non-stop, hoping that things will just go away. I was lost for words yet, he didn't push me away and continues to comfort me. He even comfort me to sleep before he went back.

This friend of mine, is significant to me. He is very important. He is the one who makes me realize that there are actually many people who still cares about me. He occupies a large part of my life. It's my mistake of not treasuring him in a proper way. I always feel that I shouldn't let him know how I feel just because of my own pride. I find that it's embarrassing to let him know my thoughts and feelings. He never left, even if I've hurt him so much. I was so focused on myself that I selfishly forgot that he has his own problems too. I didn't know he is also experiencing so much external stress from his family and sometimes from my hot-temper. No matter how many times I apologise to him, I still feel that I really let him down. I should have showed him how much I treasure him. I really do. But, I'm bad at communication works which my closest friends knows best.

I don't know if that person will ever see this. However, no matter what, I don't want to lose a good friend like you. Even if we can't be like the past, you're a gift to me. Even as a friend. I believed that this is not too late because we don't hate one another. We did not sink to this extent as the things that happened is not within our control. I just hope things will be back to normal like before. So sorry that I've hurt you countless times and so deeply. Well, but if it's meant to be, it'll be. So, just let nature take its course. That's the only thing we can do now.

Well, Prelim exams are here and there's only less than 40 days before the major exam -- 'O' levels is coming! I just hope that you will continue to work hard and strive towards your goals and achieve what you wanted. My goals have never changed from the beginning. All the best and good luck, my best buddy! (:
I'm so gonna dump everything aside, concentrate on my exams so that I achieve good results that will allow me to be eligible for my poly education! Can't wait to get out of this school! ><

Alright, it's late now. Time to sleep now and get recharged for tomorrow! Geography prelim's next monday! wish me luck:/ haha! Goodnight! :D

Everything's the past.

Everything has changed.

Thinking back of the past, I felt really happy leading my free and easy life, having everything I need.

Now, after 1 year and 7 months, things started to change.

Well, it's normal for things to change over time. Even people do change over time.

But, neither did I ever thought that someone and my life to have a drastic change. 

All along i thought that nothing of such will happen to me. Really.
This change is so sudden. Too sudden that I cannot cope it at all.
3 weeks.
It took me 3 weeks to be partially back myself. It's only partially.
Even when reality struck me, right in my face, I don't want to face it.
3 weeks of hell. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't study. Ya, my exams had started and O levels are nearing.
I didn't want to believe any of these because everything used to be blissful and fine.
I didn't want and choose to give up regardless of how much insults I have to face and how hard it'll be for me. Many times, I did have the thoughts of just leaving.
But, I didn't. The main reason was because I feel that I shouldn't. I shouldn't dump this one person alone and face everything else. It's because of this person whom mean that much to me. Ya, he does mean alot to me. That's also the reason why I hold on to it for so long. I may be hot-tempered sometimes. I know it.
Many things had happened throughout this 1 year and 8 months. However, never once did I thought that you weren't important. Even after we meet lots of problems, we didn't want to give up. To prevent this thing happen, I always tell you to tell me the problems you face so I could help. Even if I can't stop it from happening, at least there's someone to be there for you and listen to you. We never knew when it changed to a point where I'm being kept in the dark. Everything. Yet, you have to bear and shoulder all the problems alone..
I never asked for you to be like this. I didn't say that I won't support and help you. I know that you always care and think about me. Why didn't you at least give me a chance? A chance to do the same to you. Be good to you like how you did? Why keep everything to yourself and put up a strong front in front of me? Why pressurized yourself with all these and in turn, you hurt yourself. Just to let me be happy? I won't. I never will be. It's unfair that things becomes this way because of some things that we can make a decision, control and change it. I've never thought that you will ever give up at all. But, you did.
It's all the past now. Although you've hurt me badly, i still feel that I don't want to lose a good and nice friend like you. From the start, isn't it all that we're worried about? Worried that after we end, we can't even be friends, won't be like last time. Before we even start, you always reassure me that this will never ever happen. But, look at us now.. Just take a step back and look at both of us. When you saw me, there's not even a "hi" or a "bye". We don't even message or talk anymore. This feels so foreign. Like we're strangers.
I know the reason is you're pressurized with me because of the way she treat you and demand from you. I know I may not be understanding sometimes to you but it's all because I feel that sometimes, it's way too much. Now you know why I want to keep it low. It's because of all these.
Ya, I am very sad and disappointed that you let go of us because of this. You can't take the pressure because it's too much. And recently, I've become more hot-tempered due to the many things that had happened. But, I've really changed.
I can choose to blame you or not. Hate you or not. But in fact, I'm not. I don't blame you or hate you because I know you're feeling stress and maybe sad too. Although, the thought of you having so much freedom, makes me feel that it's very unfair. But, it all points down to one person. Like what I've said.. we cant do anything just because she's our elder. We have to respect her even if she doesn't deserve it. This is the main reason problems are coming in. But, all these will only be stuck in my curiosity. You gave up on us. I have never ever changed. Just like in the past, you asked if I feel that it's hard with you and you being a nuisance. What I've said that time remains. It's all the truth. I don't blame you because I know you didn't want it too, just that you can't find a way to make us all happy. I know that the main reason is about our tangled and constrict environment. I won't hate you because I don't want to lose even a good friend. I know all of this is not to our control. It won't be now. I am just disappointed and upset that you couldn't keep your words of treating me as a "good friend". A good friend isn't like this. The kind of disappointment is those you'll never know. The confusion of how you could bear to hurt and treat me like this. I really don't know why. Although, I want to know but no matter what I know you won't say. Maybe you really felt pressurized and you don't want to hurt me anymore. Or the truth is like what you've said which I do hope not.
If only, we've found this problem and you've told me about these. At least, I am able to get out of my zombie life. I just hope, you really meant your words of "good friends" and things like that. Guess, that's all I've had to say right now. I just don't want to even lose a nice and good friend like you. (: