Thinking back of the past, I felt really happy leading my free and easy life, having everything I need.
Now, after 1 year and 7 months, things started to change.
Well, it's normal for things to change over time. Even people do change over time.
But, neither did I ever thought that someone and my life to have a drastic change.
All along i thought that nothing of such will happen to me. Really.
This change is so sudden. Too sudden that I cannot cope it at all.
3 weeks.
It took me 3 weeks to be partially back myself. It's only partially.
Even when reality struck me, right in my face, I don't want to face it.
3 weeks of hell. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't study. Ya, my exams had started and O levels are nearing.
I didn't want to believe any of these because everything used to be blissful and fine.
I didn't want and choose to give up regardless of how much insults I have to face and how hard it'll be for me. Many times, I did have the thoughts of just leaving.
But, I didn't. The main reason was because I feel that I shouldn't. I shouldn't dump this one person alone and face everything else. It's because of this person whom mean that much to me. Ya, he does mean alot to me. That's also the reason why I hold on to it for so long. I may be hot-tempered sometimes. I know it.
Many things had happened throughout this 1 year and 8 months. However, never once did I thought that you weren't important. Even after we meet lots of problems, we didn't want to give up. To prevent this thing happen, I always tell you to tell me the problems you face so I could help. Even if I can't stop it from happening, at least there's someone to be there for you and listen to you. We never knew when it changed to a point where I'm being kept in the dark. Everything. Yet, you have to bear and shoulder all the problems alone..
I never asked for you to be like this. I didn't say that I won't support and help you. I know that you always care and think about me. Why didn't you at least give me a chance? A chance to do the same to you. Be good to you like how you did? Why keep everything to yourself and put up a strong front in front of me? Why pressurized yourself with all these and in turn, you hurt yourself. Just to let me be happy? I won't. I never will be. It's unfair that things becomes this way because of some things that we can make a decision, control and change it. I've never thought that you will ever give up at all. But, you did.
It's all the past now. Although you've hurt me badly, i still feel that I don't want to lose a good and nice friend like you. From the start, isn't it all that we're worried about? Worried that after we end, we can't even be friends, won't be like last time. Before we even start, you always reassure me that this will never ever happen. But, look at us now.. Just take a step back and look at both of us. When you saw me, there's not even a "hi" or a "bye". We don't even message or talk anymore. This feels so foreign. Like we're strangers.
I know the reason is you're pressurized with me because of the way she treat you and demand from you. I know I may not be understanding sometimes to you but it's all because I feel that sometimes, it's way too much. Now you know why I want to keep it low. It's because of all these.
Ya, I am very sad and disappointed that you let go of us because of this. You can't take the pressure because it's too much. And recently, I've become more hot-tempered due to the many things that had happened. But, I've really changed.
I can choose to blame you or not. Hate you or not. But in fact, I'm not. I don't blame you or hate you because I know you're feeling stress and maybe sad too. Although, the thought of you having so much freedom, makes me feel that it's very unfair. But, it all points down to one person. Like what I've said.. we cant do anything just because she's our elder. We have to respect her even if she doesn't deserve it. This is the main reason problems are coming in. But, all these will only be stuck in my curiosity. You gave up on us. I have never ever changed. Just like in the past, you asked if I feel that it's hard with you and you being a nuisance. What I've said that time remains. It's all the truth. I don't blame you because I know you didn't want it too, just that you can't find a way to make us all happy. I know that the main reason is about our tangled and constrict environment. I won't hate you because I don't want to lose even a good friend. I know all of this is not to our control. It won't be now. I am just disappointed and upset that you couldn't keep your words of treating me as a "good friend". A good friend isn't like this. The kind of disappointment is those you'll never know. The confusion of how you could bear to hurt and treat me like this. I really don't know why. Although, I want to know but no matter what I know you won't say. Maybe you really felt pressurized and you don't want to hurt me anymore. Or the truth is like what you've said which I do hope not.
If only, we've found this problem and you've told me about these. At least, I am able to get out of my zombie life. I just hope, you really meant your words of "good friends" and things like that. Guess, that's all I've had to say right now. I just don't want to even lose a nice and good friend like you. (:
This change is so sudden. Too sudden that I cannot cope it at all.
3 weeks.
It took me 3 weeks to be partially back myself. It's only partially.
Even when reality struck me, right in my face, I don't want to face it.
3 weeks of hell. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't study. Ya, my exams had started and O levels are nearing.
I didn't want to believe any of these because everything used to be blissful and fine.
I didn't want and choose to give up regardless of how much insults I have to face and how hard it'll be for me. Many times, I did have the thoughts of just leaving.
But, I didn't. The main reason was because I feel that I shouldn't. I shouldn't dump this one person alone and face everything else. It's because of this person whom mean that much to me. Ya, he does mean alot to me. That's also the reason why I hold on to it for so long. I may be hot-tempered sometimes. I know it.
Many things had happened throughout this 1 year and 8 months. However, never once did I thought that you weren't important. Even after we meet lots of problems, we didn't want to give up. To prevent this thing happen, I always tell you to tell me the problems you face so I could help. Even if I can't stop it from happening, at least there's someone to be there for you and listen to you. We never knew when it changed to a point where I'm being kept in the dark. Everything. Yet, you have to bear and shoulder all the problems alone..
I never asked for you to be like this. I didn't say that I won't support and help you. I know that you always care and think about me. Why didn't you at least give me a chance? A chance to do the same to you. Be good to you like how you did? Why keep everything to yourself and put up a strong front in front of me? Why pressurized yourself with all these and in turn, you hurt yourself. Just to let me be happy? I won't. I never will be. It's unfair that things becomes this way because of some things that we can make a decision, control and change it. I've never thought that you will ever give up at all. But, you did.
It's all the past now. Although you've hurt me badly, i still feel that I don't want to lose a good and nice friend like you. From the start, isn't it all that we're worried about? Worried that after we end, we can't even be friends, won't be like last time. Before we even start, you always reassure me that this will never ever happen. But, look at us now.. Just take a step back and look at both of us. When you saw me, there's not even a "hi" or a "bye". We don't even message or talk anymore. This feels so foreign. Like we're strangers.
I know the reason is you're pressurized with me because of the way she treat you and demand from you. I know I may not be understanding sometimes to you but it's all because I feel that sometimes, it's way too much. Now you know why I want to keep it low. It's because of all these.
Ya, I am very sad and disappointed that you let go of us because of this. You can't take the pressure because it's too much. And recently, I've become more hot-tempered due to the many things that had happened. But, I've really changed.
I can choose to blame you or not. Hate you or not. But in fact, I'm not. I don't blame you or hate you because I know you're feeling stress and maybe sad too. Although, the thought of you having so much freedom, makes me feel that it's very unfair. But, it all points down to one person. Like what I've said.. we cant do anything just because she's our elder. We have to respect her even if she doesn't deserve it. This is the main reason problems are coming in. But, all these will only be stuck in my curiosity. You gave up on us. I have never ever changed. Just like in the past, you asked if I feel that it's hard with you and you being a nuisance. What I've said that time remains. It's all the truth. I don't blame you because I know you didn't want it too, just that you can't find a way to make us all happy. I know that the main reason is about our tangled and constrict environment. I won't hate you because I don't want to lose even a good friend. I know all of this is not to our control. It won't be now. I am just disappointed and upset that you couldn't keep your words of treating me as a "good friend". A good friend isn't like this. The kind of disappointment is those you'll never know. The confusion of how you could bear to hurt and treat me like this. I really don't know why. Although, I want to know but no matter what I know you won't say. Maybe you really felt pressurized and you don't want to hurt me anymore. Or the truth is like what you've said which I do hope not.
If only, we've found this problem and you've told me about these. At least, I am able to get out of my zombie life. I just hope, you really meant your words of "good friends" and things like that. Guess, that's all I've had to say right now. I just don't want to even lose a nice and good friend like you. (:
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