Damn! I'm so pissed right now. Urgh! -.-
Last time can't stay up late and now what? Slept at 2.50 am?!
Worst still ! Whatsapp-ing a girl? Honestly, I seriously don't get you! -.-
And why would I care so much? Why am I so pissed and jealous? -.-
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! :/
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Prelim.
Got back prelim results!
English C5
Maths A1
Principle of accounts A1
Mother tongue A2
Combine science (physics/Chemistry) A2
Literature C6
Combine Humanities C6
Well! Enough to calculate my L1R4.
Hee hee! So happy that my L1R4 is 11. But I do hope that it can go lower.. However overall, I'm pretty satisfied! (: Just hope that during O level results release, it will be a happy occasion and not a sad one! Actually, I'm quite surprised and shocked that I could maintain and get a better result than my mid year and prep! There's just too many things happening this year. I just wished for a peaceful, calm life with no more troubles, get good O level results and if... the special someone is still with me.. (:
English C5
Maths A1
Principle of accounts A1
Mother tongue A2
Combine science (physics/Chemistry) A2
Literature C6
Combine Humanities C6
Well! Enough to calculate my L1R4.
Hee hee! So happy that my L1R4 is 11. But I do hope that it can go lower.. However overall, I'm pretty satisfied! (: Just hope that during O level results release, it will be a happy occasion and not a sad one! Actually, I'm quite surprised and shocked that I could maintain and get a better result than my mid year and prep! There's just too many things happening this year. I just wished for a peaceful, calm life with no more troubles, get good O level results and if... the special someone is still with me.. (:
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Heart broken.
No matter how much I miss you, I can only pretend I don't..
Even if I want to care for you, I have to pretend I don't..
How long can this last? I hope someone could give me a definite answer. However, no one could. They only told me, as time passes, things do fade away as well as the pain I feel.
I felt really heart broken seeing you like this. Knowing that the hardwork we put in together yet because of her or some reason, you actually affect the results. I really feel like hating you after all these you've done. But, I couldn't force/ make myself too... Although I'm being hurt so badly, scarred so badly... I just couldn't. I want a way of relief now.. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be strong.. I'm very tired of all these now.. I wish things could be back like normal. Like how we used to be. Enjoying time & working hard together, lovingly... <\3
Even if I want to care for you, I have to pretend I don't..
How long can this last? I hope someone could give me a definite answer. However, no one could. They only told me, as time passes, things do fade away as well as the pain I feel.
I felt really heart broken seeing you like this. Knowing that the hardwork we put in together yet because of her or some reason, you actually affect the results. I really feel like hating you after all these you've done. But, I couldn't force/ make myself too... Although I'm being hurt so badly, scarred so badly... I just couldn't. I want a way of relief now.. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be strong.. I'm very tired of all these now.. I wish things could be back like normal. Like how we used to be. Enjoying time & working hard together, lovingly... <\3
You're gone...
The first day of POA lesson without you with me.
The first time you past by me without a hi or a bye.
The first time we went tuition without holding hands.
The first time you didn't even bother about me.
The first time you didn't look at me.
The first time you didn't walk me back home.
The first time you did not wake me up for school and meet me to walk to school.
The first time we didn't even walk to tuition together.
The first time we didn't have lunch after school.
The first time the girl beside you during a movie isn't me.
The first time you wished you could send her home.
The first time you lied to me about dinner with your relative.
I missed us. The old us. You've changed. Totally changed.but I don't know why I still can't bear to let you go? Why I still feel the pain? I am hating you for treating me like this. I am hating you for not being close to me like before. I hate you for treating me like air. I hate how you can live without me unlike the past. I hated us now.
But why do I still feel the pain? The disappointments. The hurt you've given me? Why do I still love you? I just wished that you're back here right beside me.. Why? After so many things you've done, why can't I just hate you and not have feelings for you anymore? Why am I so silly? Why you can be so happy without me with you? Why are things becoming more and more complicated? Why don't you even miss me a single bit? Am I that bad? Or am I so unworthy? Or is it that I meant nothing to you from the start?
Why am I still tearing for you? I thought I could be hard- hearted after all these. I thought that I will never drop another drop of tears for you. Yet, I couldn't and I still did. Why? I just missed being close to you, having fun with you, laugh together with you. I hate being strangers with you. Totally.
The first time you past by me without a hi or a bye.
The first time we went tuition without holding hands.
The first time you didn't even bother about me.
The first time you didn't look at me.
The first time you didn't walk me back home.
The first time you did not wake me up for school and meet me to walk to school.
The first time we didn't even walk to tuition together.
The first time we didn't have lunch after school.
The first time the girl beside you during a movie isn't me.
The first time you wished you could send her home.
The first time you lied to me about dinner with your relative.
I missed us. The old us. You've changed. Totally changed.but I don't know why I still can't bear to let you go? Why I still feel the pain? I am hating you for treating me like this. I am hating you for not being close to me like before. I hate you for treating me like air. I hate how you can live without me unlike the past. I hated us now.
But why do I still feel the pain? The disappointments. The hurt you've given me? Why do I still love you? I just wished that you're back here right beside me.. Why? After so many things you've done, why can't I just hate you and not have feelings for you anymore? Why am I so silly? Why you can be so happy without me with you? Why are things becoming more and more complicated? Why don't you even miss me a single bit? Am I that bad? Or am I so unworthy? Or is it that I meant nothing to you from the start?
Why am I still tearing for you? I thought I could be hard- hearted after all these. I thought that I will never drop another drop of tears for you. Yet, I couldn't and I still did. Why? I just missed being close to you, having fun with you, laugh together with you. I hate being strangers with you. Totally.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Wish you were here...
This song totally caught me. It describes my feelings totally. The lyrics shows everything that I am thinking about you now. So much that I hope you know and you can see...:/ Exactly what I want to tell you... I wish you were here with me now. I have so much to say.. But it is left forbidden... :(
I would show you if there's a chance..
Saturday, September 22, 2012
If only...
If only I can leave you, dump you alone behind and move on happily. I want to honestly. After I found out that you lied. I hate people who lied to me. Especially, you knew it too. But, I realized no matter how much I hated people who lied to me... I cannot manage to hate you like how I thought I could from the start. Maybe, I've placed too much into this relationship like what my mum said.
No matter how badly you've treated me, I just can't hate you like how I could to others. I hated how my heart is being so stubborn. Still hoping that there's a last chance together. Wishing that some miracle will happen. Looking back, I knew I made a lot of mistake for not trying to understand how much you went through for me. But when I read through the messages you sent to my mum again, actually you've already made a choice. You've decided to run away from the pressures and stress. You felt that you can't take it and chose to leave me hanging alone than facing it together with me. It disappoints me a lot and you're right.. You've let me down. But that's not what I want to hear and know. What I want is you to continue trying again. Yet, you seem to be seemingly uncaring to me now. You even asked someone else yet, lied to me that it's relative dinner. Why lie to me if you've no feelings at all? Why lie to me and not just admit it to me? Do I affect you so much? I don't get it.
Although I agree that I did something wrong at the end, but have you ever thought why did this happen? It's because of that particular someone. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be like this. I agree. I didn't control my emotions and let it run wildly which hurt you. But, guess what? I changed. So what if we proved that relationship doesn't affect our studies? So what if I really can change? So what if I am willing to get hurt and go through and resolve problems with you again? Do you want it? I doubt so. Because it's not because of my temper. It's because you have never forgotten her before. I knew it. I knew it deep down. Since I knew it, I don't know why my heart still remains stubborn, hoping to be with you again. I am clearly awake. I don't want to be her shadow, a sacrificial product. Yet, I still don't want to lose you at the same time.
If you were to ask me again, and I were to agree, I am taking a huge risk. However, I think that it's a chance and wishful thinking of approximately 0.000000001%. Yet, I'm still hoping for it to happen.. Why am I so stupid and silly? Even I myself know, yet I still want to do it. :/ I'm confused! I want yet having second thoughts.. Who is able to help me? :/
The thought of you doing what you are currently hurt me even deeper than before... Yet, I no longer feel as pain as before. Maybe, after those times... I've gotten used to it? But is it still possible? :/ The feeling of hoping to be iwth you again is still there. Until then... I guess, I won't be able to give up? But you really change my perspective of you.. Maybe you're not as innocent as I thought you are.. Maybe you're not as mature as I thought you'll be.. I've thought about many things.. I just hope that whatever you've said in the past is truly, deep down from your heart.. Now I realized that actually I am able to be much more understanding. Although family is also an important factor, but I can tahan just for you. Maybe it's too late? Or maybe you've never loved me at all..? Only yours truly know.
Although the target isn't me now.. Yes, I do feel sad at times. But, I am even more upset when I see you so depressed over her.. You once said.. ' You happy = I happy, You sad= I sad." I guess, it doesn't applies to you but me too. Because... when I see you frustrated, angry and cry, I feel the same too. I want to find ways and hope that I am the one that can make you happy again. I used to be able to.. But I guess... probably, you won't even want to see me now.. Yet, I am feeling it all now.
I just can't do it! :/
No matter how badly you've treated me, I just can't hate you like how I could to others. I hated how my heart is being so stubborn. Still hoping that there's a last chance together. Wishing that some miracle will happen. Looking back, I knew I made a lot of mistake for not trying to understand how much you went through for me. But when I read through the messages you sent to my mum again, actually you've already made a choice. You've decided to run away from the pressures and stress. You felt that you can't take it and chose to leave me hanging alone than facing it together with me. It disappoints me a lot and you're right.. You've let me down. But that's not what I want to hear and know. What I want is you to continue trying again. Yet, you seem to be seemingly uncaring to me now. You even asked someone else yet, lied to me that it's relative dinner. Why lie to me if you've no feelings at all? Why lie to me and not just admit it to me? Do I affect you so much? I don't get it.
Although I agree that I did something wrong at the end, but have you ever thought why did this happen? It's because of that particular someone. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be like this. I agree. I didn't control my emotions and let it run wildly which hurt you. But, guess what? I changed. So what if we proved that relationship doesn't affect our studies? So what if I really can change? So what if I am willing to get hurt and go through and resolve problems with you again? Do you want it? I doubt so. Because it's not because of my temper. It's because you have never forgotten her before. I knew it. I knew it deep down. Since I knew it, I don't know why my heart still remains stubborn, hoping to be with you again. I am clearly awake. I don't want to be her shadow, a sacrificial product. Yet, I still don't want to lose you at the same time.
If you were to ask me again, and I were to agree, I am taking a huge risk. However, I think that it's a chance and wishful thinking of approximately 0.000000001%. Yet, I'm still hoping for it to happen.. Why am I so stupid and silly? Even I myself know, yet I still want to do it. :/ I'm confused! I want yet having second thoughts.. Who is able to help me? :/
The thought of you doing what you are currently hurt me even deeper than before... Yet, I no longer feel as pain as before. Maybe, after those times... I've gotten used to it? But is it still possible? :/ The feeling of hoping to be iwth you again is still there. Until then... I guess, I won't be able to give up? But you really change my perspective of you.. Maybe you're not as innocent as I thought you are.. Maybe you're not as mature as I thought you'll be.. I've thought about many things.. I just hope that whatever you've said in the past is truly, deep down from your heart.. Now I realized that actually I am able to be much more understanding. Although family is also an important factor, but I can tahan just for you. Maybe it's too late? Or maybe you've never loved me at all..? Only yours truly know.
Although the target isn't me now.. Yes, I do feel sad at times. But, I am even more upset when I see you so depressed over her.. You once said.. ' You happy = I happy, You sad= I sad." I guess, it doesn't applies to you but me too. Because... when I see you frustrated, angry and cry, I feel the same too. I want to find ways and hope that I am the one that can make you happy again. I used to be able to.. But I guess... probably, you won't even want to see me now.. Yet, I am feeling it all now.
I just can't do it! :/
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Seems like I've alot to say.
Indeed like the title reads. I have alot to say.
A:＂为什么我们的样貌和条件都不错，但到现在还是得不到我们所爱的人？＂
B:＂就是因为我们觉得自己的条件和样貌不错，所以值得跟好的女生，没有珍惜眼前的人，一路陪在我们身边的人，才会落到现在这种地步。＂
English:
A:' Our looks and qualities are not bad but why till now we can get the woman we love?'
B:' It's because all along we think this way, so we think that we deserve someone better and we don't treasure the ones in front of us, those beside us that accompany us through thick and thin. That's why we ended up in this state'.
Saw this conversation in a show between 2 guys. When I saw this show, indeed everything seems very realistic. It's something that will happen in this 21st century. But, I agree with what B replied. It Is so true. I think we always fail to treasure the one in front of us and is always looking for a better one. However when we think back, some times we realized that the one before is actually the best. At that point in time, we'll know we had lost a good chance just because we didn't cherish the one we have before. That time, no matter how much we regret, it wouldn't change a thing.
A:＂为什么我们的样貌和条件都不错，但到现在还是得不到我们所爱的人？＂
B:＂就是因为我们觉得自己的条件和样貌不错，所以值得跟好的女生，没有珍惜眼前的人，一路陪在我们身边的人，才会落到现在这种地步。＂
English:
A:' Our looks and qualities are not bad but why till now we can get the woman we love?'
B:' It's because all along we think this way, so we think that we deserve someone better and we don't treasure the ones in front of us, those beside us that accompany us through thick and thin. That's why we ended up in this state'.
Saw this conversation in a show between 2 guys. When I saw this show, indeed everything seems very realistic. It's something that will happen in this 21st century. But, I agree with what B replied. It Is so true. I think we always fail to treasure the one in front of us and is always looking for a better one. However when we think back, some times we realized that the one before is actually the best. At that point in time, we'll know we had lost a good chance just because we didn't cherish the one we have before. That time, no matter how much we regret, it wouldn't change a thing.
The truth hurts..
Seems like ' the truth hurts' this phrase is really true. However, I always believed that some truths are sweet and happy ones.
However, after talking to one of my friend, someone who actually supported me and really see me as his friend.. I found out the truth. It was heart breaking. After so long, why is it that it all seems like its nothing? All along I didn't want to think that I'm nothing to someone but he just showed me yesterday. But, if it's like this, why don't you just admit it yourself? I guess it's because the main reason is just you had a change of heart and you're guilty of it.
Probably you still like her when you're with me. All the messaging caused you to like her again. Like what I've said. I told you I didn't like it and I have a bad feeling about this. About you constantly texting her. You didn't think of me, care about my feelings when you're texting her. As for another, I knew from someone that she's scared that she's the cause of it as she's the one who text you. At first, I thought so too. Now, I think the whole problem lies between you and her. Even your friend didn't know why you treat me like this.
Even so, why lie to me? Why lie that it's relative dinner when you're going for a movie with her? Are you thinking that if you can't get her, you'll get back with me? Are you thinking that you don't want to destroy my good image and impression of you? After I knew this, I was horrified. Really horrified. For a short period. Less then a week, you can start again? So, you mean I meant nothing to you at all? These 1 year plus meant nothing? How serious were you about me? It's funny when I guessed everything correctly but you don't want to admit it. Why? Why don't you want to admit it?
Although my head told my heart,' forget about it. He will end up using you and hurting you again. He doesn't even know what he wants. He isn't as great as what you think he is. He wasn't the so called 'good and perfect' one after all. It'll be a trap and it won't last long at all.'
My heart actually replied,' maybe it's just because of other problems. No harm trying again right? It's just one last time and if it doesn't work out, I'll give up. Of course, I hope it's true and I'm not being used as a sacrificial product for her.'
Silly me? After knowing so much, my soft hearted heart still feels this way. However, like I said. Everything comes after O's. I cannot risked it again and get my exams affected because of these. At least, now he knows how I feel since she's somehow avoiding him by MIA. Worse than me because he still replies with one word sometimes. I guess it's because all along she just treated you as a friend and nothing else. Because she have someone in her heart and will never like someone like you. It's just not her type. That person I know is so much different from you. It's also a stupid idea to make such a quick move after less than a month of your last. It really is.
Even if we were to be back, I won't give so much in it because I don't have the confidence anymore that it'll last. Even if we are back together, I wouldn't trust everything so much anymore. Even if we're back together, i won't let anyone know on my side maybe just my bestfriend who is like my sister. Even if we're together and something happen, as long as I felt that you're no longer worthy and your problems are hurting me again yet you've done nothing to at least try, I'll be the one this time. Not to take revenge but like what you said, ' if it really doesn't work out, no point'. This time, I won't shed a single tear for you anymore. It'll be a slate clean break. Even if it's friends, I won't find you unless you find me.
At least during the holidays before the start of my tertiary education, I'll be on a short get away to Taiwan. I'm sure to enjoy and relax myself there. Can't wait for it. I guess at that time, with no pressures of studies, even a break and stuff is easier. At that point in time, when you realize you lost someone so close and caring about you, I'm very sure that you'll regret it for life. Just like what your sister had wrote on her blog. It's true. But it should be directed to you, not me. Looking towards to my holidays an tertiary education. Guess boys are still immature to be in a relationship at this age even if they seem reliable and mature. Seriously.
However, after talking to one of my friend, someone who actually supported me and really see me as his friend.. I found out the truth. It was heart breaking. After so long, why is it that it all seems like its nothing? All along I didn't want to think that I'm nothing to someone but he just showed me yesterday. But, if it's like this, why don't you just admit it yourself? I guess it's because the main reason is just you had a change of heart and you're guilty of it.
Probably you still like her when you're with me. All the messaging caused you to like her again. Like what I've said. I told you I didn't like it and I have a bad feeling about this. About you constantly texting her. You didn't think of me, care about my feelings when you're texting her. As for another, I knew from someone that she's scared that she's the cause of it as she's the one who text you. At first, I thought so too. Now, I think the whole problem lies between you and her. Even your friend didn't know why you treat me like this.
Even so, why lie to me? Why lie that it's relative dinner when you're going for a movie with her? Are you thinking that if you can't get her, you'll get back with me? Are you thinking that you don't want to destroy my good image and impression of you? After I knew this, I was horrified. Really horrified. For a short period. Less then a week, you can start again? So, you mean I meant nothing to you at all? These 1 year plus meant nothing? How serious were you about me? It's funny when I guessed everything correctly but you don't want to admit it. Why? Why don't you want to admit it?
Although my head told my heart,' forget about it. He will end up using you and hurting you again. He doesn't even know what he wants. He isn't as great as what you think he is. He wasn't the so called 'good and perfect' one after all. It'll be a trap and it won't last long at all.'
My heart actually replied,' maybe it's just because of other problems. No harm trying again right? It's just one last time and if it doesn't work out, I'll give up. Of course, I hope it's true and I'm not being used as a sacrificial product for her.'
Silly me? After knowing so much, my soft hearted heart still feels this way. However, like I said. Everything comes after O's. I cannot risked it again and get my exams affected because of these. At least, now he knows how I feel since she's somehow avoiding him by MIA. Worse than me because he still replies with one word sometimes. I guess it's because all along she just treated you as a friend and nothing else. Because she have someone in her heart and will never like someone like you. It's just not her type. That person I know is so much different from you. It's also a stupid idea to make such a quick move after less than a month of your last. It really is.
Even if we were to be back, I won't give so much in it because I don't have the confidence anymore that it'll last. Even if we are back together, I wouldn't trust everything so much anymore. Even if we're back together, i won't let anyone know on my side maybe just my bestfriend who is like my sister. Even if we're together and something happen, as long as I felt that you're no longer worthy and your problems are hurting me again yet you've done nothing to at least try, I'll be the one this time. Not to take revenge but like what you said, ' if it really doesn't work out, no point'. This time, I won't shed a single tear for you anymore. It'll be a slate clean break. Even if it's friends, I won't find you unless you find me.
At least during the holidays before the start of my tertiary education, I'll be on a short get away to Taiwan. I'm sure to enjoy and relax myself there. Can't wait for it. I guess at that time, with no pressures of studies, even a break and stuff is easier. At that point in time, when you realize you lost someone so close and caring about you, I'm very sure that you'll regret it for life. Just like what your sister had wrote on her blog. It's true. But it should be directed to you, not me. Looking towards to my holidays an tertiary education. Guess boys are still immature to be in a relationship at this age even if they seem reliable and mature. Seriously.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
How I wish I did...
Came across this on Facebook. I guess this is very true. At least to me. Without trust, it's all nothing. I knew this long ago. But I guess, sometimes I failed to show it to the person I love. If only, I'm not feeling so insecure. Didn't know when it became like this. Maybe, because I grew to be over dependent on that someone. Actually, I can be independent. However, the mentality of " if there's someone for you to depend on, why not?" I guess, I'm all wrong about it. :/
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Confuse at mind and heart.
I'm so confused now. I'm so confuse at mind and at heart.
Friends are suppose to help one another at least right? But I got this feeling and mentality that you don't even want to help me at all. When I asked you for something, you said that you'll check. You said that you'll tell me later. But what? NO. No replies at all. When I asked, you told me you don't have. At least after you checked, have the courtesy to tell me? Notify me? And not make me wait for it like a silly fool. Then in the end you say you don't have. Do you really hate me so much? So much that you don't even want to help me at all? We're studying the same subject and you told me you went out to study. How can you even forget to bring the guide out? Then what are you even studying? How you expect me to believe these? I'm not a 7 year old kid. Do I really mean nothing to you anymore? Not even a tiny bit? Seriously.
Friends are suppose to help one another at least right? But I got this feeling and mentality that you don't even want to help me at all. When I asked you for something, you said that you'll check. You said that you'll tell me later. But what? NO. No replies at all. When I asked, you told me you don't have. At least after you checked, have the courtesy to tell me? Notify me? And not make me wait for it like a silly fool. Then in the end you say you don't have. Do you really hate me so much? So much that you don't even want to help me at all? We're studying the same subject and you told me you went out to study. How can you even forget to bring the guide out? Then what are you even studying? How you expect me to believe these? I'm not a 7 year old kid. Do I really mean nothing to you anymore? Not even a tiny bit? Seriously.
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