Really?

Saw this picture on Facebook. Is it true? Today is better than yesterday? I wish to believe in this too. Oh well, I just hope it's true. :/

Mixed feelings:/

Well, ended chemistry prelim at 9.15 am today.
Planned to meet Shadame, Chang yen, Rachel and Julisa for lunch. Asked Sean to tag along. Haha, supposed to meet him today for lunch anyway. Last minute then got to know about poa class at 3pm! Haiz, don't know if I should go or not.. Find it a little meaningless since teacher doesn't really care about us but the sec 4. Haha, oh well.. Hope that it's not compulsory.

Well, like what I've said.. Felt that I should have saved my pictures few days before yesterday before this incident had happened.. But what to do? It's already gone :( I miss looking at certain pictures of us. Makes me feel like i didn't cherish it double times! Of course,  I know what I've promised and told others. However, at times, I really can't take it. Even looking through certain messages or pictures, remembering the silly, happy and funny times we had together just put a smile on my face unknowingly.

However, I knew it clearly myself that things are different. Even if no matter how much I cling to it, there won't be any changes.. Of course, I don't know about the future. But the thought of all these gone, GONE! It really scares me. I am just trying to talk normally to you as a friend. But, your replies are cold. 

This makes me wonder then. All these happened because of something that is not within our control. I know that you said hurtful words to me which really hurts me badly. There could be possibilities of reasons. Maybe you really mean it? Or maybe you just don't want me to get hurt further by pushing me away. In fact, the more you do this, the more I can't stop thinking of the reasons. There's a lot of "why?" in my head, my heart. All unanswered. Maybe that's just me. I'm always looking for answers.

All this sums up to one question : " All these time, how much do I weigh in your heart? How important am I to you? How much of what you told me in the past is true?" If you could forget about us, about me and think of other people now, I don't know how should I feel now. The thought of forgetting about me scares me a lot. It just shows that i'm not important to you and doesn't weigh much in your heart at all...Especially, the times we went through together.. The words you've said.. Looking at what you posted, I never have thoughts that it would be me but other people. Well, there's someone you can let go even after your first. So, I'm not surprised. But, if it's like this... It really makes me think that you are just toying with me and of course, I hope not. Even when I took my courage to ask, you told me it isn't her. I still feel that it's her. I really just can't stop thinking about it. It just shows how insecure I've felt. Of course, what you've typed could meant other things but... this just seemed to have a higher possibility.. :/ 

Seriously, I shouldn't be thinking about this right now. Although I'm determined, but I'm even more determined to do well for my 'O' levels. I'm looking forward to better life in poly. If only the sweet things doesn't end now but is also in my poly life. How great.Haiz, gotta focus on my priority first! Although both are, but exams determines my future so... Alright, time to prepare and study a little before meeting my buddies for lunch. Can't afford to ruin my POA! So, everything's locked up and more studying after lunch! :>

If only it hasn't start at all, if only no one knows even if it started, there won't be any troubles, I won't be troubled, sad and hurt. It's all the ' If only'...

Fated?

Seriously...
I just thought of re-transferring the songs in my phone last time back in. Who knows? When I connected to iTunes, it actually reformatted my phone! >< What's left in my phone is pictures & messages till 19th December only! All the pictures that I took after was gone! :( how I hope I've made a copy before this happens. Haiz... Plus, looking back at the messages makes me wonder, things do really change. It is like fated that the happy things in the past doesn't want to leave at all? All the unhappy messages, times we've gone through are all erased. Omg... :/ don't know to be happy or sad! The pictures I treasured the most are mostly gone! :'(

Haiz, chemistry prelim's tmr... Gonna get my dinner before studying again. Shoulder, neck & headache is back! :( oh well, good luck to all my friends! Better not fail or extra lessons with Cher:/ haha!

It's been long!

It's been a long time since i'm back in here blogging.
It has been 1 year and 8 months since I've blogged. Now, I felt like blogging again.. Maybe it can help me to erase or ease my troubles.

After all the unhappy things that had happened, I suddenly have the thought of coming back in to see how much things have changed. How much I've changed. Indeed, I've changed too. I guess, as time passes.. people and things will change.

I have never ever thought that I will change so much. The change that happened to me isn't really good. Except that people feels that I'm no longer so silent and I'm becoming more direct. I guess, everyone detected my changes except for myself. Maybe my change has hurt someone and people around me without me knowing. It shouldn't have happened at all.

Since sec 3, I used to be a jovial girl, someone who doesn't get affected by my own environment and I'm not so demanding and hot-tempered. However, since sec 5 mid, school has been on my nerves. Not mentioning some people around me who always creates problems for me. Due to all the stress and unhappiness, I hurt someone deeply who has been around with me to support me and help me. I'm so sorry of what I've done to that person. I've never ever mean it. Although that person told me that he has already forgiven me, I do still feel apologetic just because of the unhappiness I've experienced in class and school.

Throughout the year, after looking through the past just recently, I really didn't consider his feeling and situation. I always thought I did a good job, handling all the problems just because he always put up a strong and happy face in front of me. This closest and best friend of mine has always been beside me, supporting me regardless of what. I remembered that this year, I've problems with a girl in my class. I've felt so stressful and unfair that why people always treats me like this when I'm already "running" away from them. I didn't disturb them yet they always tries to find fault with me. Teacher had a talk with both of us and I'm already total depressed. By the end, I couldn't take it anymore and control myself. I left the area rudely. I really can't take all those anymore. I went home crying all the way. This particular friend followed me even though he has class activity going on. He followed me back, quietly, watching me from the back. When I reached home, he comforted me and the look in his eyes is trying to tell me, " everything will be alright. You'll always have me right beside you supporting you, caring for you, listening to your troubles." I hugged him so tightly that day and kept crying non-stop, hoping that things will just go away. I was lost for words yet, he didn't push me away and continues to comfort me. He even comfort me to sleep before he went back.

This friend of mine, is significant to me. He is very important. He is the one who makes me realize that there are actually many people who still cares about me. He occupies a large part of my life. It's my mistake of not treasuring him in a proper way. I always feel that I shouldn't let him know how I feel just because of my own pride. I find that it's embarrassing to let him know my thoughts and feelings. He never left, even if I've hurt him so much. I was so focused on myself that I selfishly forgot that he has his own problems too. I didn't know he is also experiencing so much external stress from his family and sometimes from my hot-temper. No matter how many times I apologise to him, I still feel that I really let him down. I should have showed him how much I treasure him. I really do. But, I'm bad at communication works which my closest friends knows best.

I don't know if that person will ever see this. However, no matter what, I don't want to lose a good friend like you. Even if we can't be like the past, you're a gift to me. Even as a friend. I believed that this is not too late because we don't hate one another. We did not sink to this extent as the things that happened is not within our control. I just hope things will be back to normal like before. So sorry that I've hurt you countless times and so deeply. Well, but if it's meant to be, it'll be. So, just let nature take its course. That's the only thing we can do now.

Well, Prelim exams are here and there's only less than 40 days before the major exam -- 'O' levels is coming! I just hope that you will continue to work hard and strive towards your goals and achieve what you wanted. My goals have never changed from the beginning. All the best and good luck, my best buddy! (:
I'm so gonna dump everything aside, concentrate on my exams so that I achieve good results that will allow me to be eligible for my poly education! Can't wait to get out of this school! ><

Alright, it's late now. Time to sleep now and get recharged for tomorrow! Geography prelim's next monday! wish me luck:/ haha! Goodnight! :D

Everything's the past.

Everything has changed.

Thinking back of the past, I felt really happy leading my free and easy life, having everything I need.

Now, after 1 year and 7 months, things started to change.

Well, it's normal for things to change over time. Even people do change over time.

But, neither did I ever thought that someone and my life to have a drastic change. 

All along i thought that nothing of such will happen to me. Really.
This change is so sudden. Too sudden that I cannot cope it at all.
3 weeks.
It took me 3 weeks to be partially back myself. It's only partially.
Even when reality struck me, right in my face, I don't want to face it.
3 weeks of hell. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't study. Ya, my exams had started and O levels are nearing.
I didn't want to believe any of these because everything used to be blissful and fine.
I didn't want and choose to give up regardless of how much insults I have to face and how hard it'll be for me. Many times, I did have the thoughts of just leaving.
But, I didn't. The main reason was because I feel that I shouldn't. I shouldn't dump this one person alone and face everything else. It's because of this person whom mean that much to me. Ya, he does mean alot to me. That's also the reason why I hold on to it for so long. I may be hot-tempered sometimes. I know it.
Many things had happened throughout this 1 year and 8 months. However, never once did I thought that you weren't important. Even after we meet lots of problems, we didn't want to give up. To prevent this thing happen, I always tell you to tell me the problems you face so I could help. Even if I can't stop it from happening, at least there's someone to be there for you and listen to you. We never knew when it changed to a point where I'm being kept in the dark. Everything. Yet, you have to bear and shoulder all the problems alone..
I never asked for you to be like this. I didn't say that I won't support and help you. I know that you always care and think about me. Why didn't you at least give me a chance? A chance to do the same to you. Be good to you like how you did? Why keep everything to yourself and put up a strong front in front of me? Why pressurized yourself with all these and in turn, you hurt yourself. Just to let me be happy? I won't. I never will be. It's unfair that things becomes this way because of some things that we can make a decision, control and change it. I've never thought that you will ever give up at all. But, you did.
It's all the past now. Although you've hurt me badly, i still feel that I don't want to lose a good and nice friend like you. From the start, isn't it all that we're worried about? Worried that after we end, we can't even be friends, won't be like last time. Before we even start, you always reassure me that this will never ever happen. But, look at us now.. Just take a step back and look at both of us. When you saw me, there's not even a "hi" or a "bye". We don't even message or talk anymore. This feels so foreign. Like we're strangers.
I know the reason is you're pressurized with me because of the way she treat you and demand from you. I know I may not be understanding sometimes to you but it's all because I feel that sometimes, it's way too much. Now you know why I want to keep it low. It's because of all these.
Ya, I am very sad and disappointed that you let go of us because of this. You can't take the pressure because it's too much. And recently, I've become more hot-tempered due to the many things that had happened. But, I've really changed.
I can choose to blame you or not. Hate you or not. But in fact, I'm not. I don't blame you or hate you because I know you're feeling stress and maybe sad too. Although, the thought of you having so much freedom, makes me feel that it's very unfair. But, it all points down to one person. Like what I've said.. we cant do anything just because she's our elder. We have to respect her even if she doesn't deserve it. This is the main reason problems are coming in. But, all these will only be stuck in my curiosity. You gave up on us. I have never ever changed. Just like in the past, you asked if I feel that it's hard with you and you being a nuisance. What I've said that time remains. It's all the truth. I don't blame you because I know you didn't want it too, just that you can't find a way to make us all happy. I know that the main reason is about our tangled and constrict environment. I won't hate you because I don't want to lose even a good friend. I know all of this is not to our control. It won't be now. I am just disappointed and upset that you couldn't keep your words of treating me as a "good friend". A good friend isn't like this. The kind of disappointment is those you'll never know. The confusion of how you could bear to hurt and treat me like this. I really don't know why. Although, I want to know but no matter what I know you won't say. Maybe you really felt pressurized and you don't want to hurt me anymore. Or the truth is like what you've said which I do hope not.
If only, we've found this problem and you've told me about these. At least, I am able to get out of my zombie life. I just hope, you really meant your words of "good friends" and things like that. Guess, that's all I've had to say right now. I just don't want to even lose a nice and good friend like you. (: 

Hmm.. End of the second week and i'm sick:|  How great.. Everyday stay in school till so late and busy with school work lately. Totally have got no time for playing and sometimes rest. So stress over things...

I don't know if what i did was correct and if I should continue with it.

I don't know how to explain just that there is somethings that just bothers me.

Oh, what to do? 

Can someone help me?! 

:(

我很想你!:( 最近我一直都在想之前所发生的事情，真的很希望我们一直以来都像那个时候一样..因为那个时候可以算是我最快乐的时候:]希望我们不会像你之前说的那样！真希望你会快点传简讯 给我或者打电话给我.. :(

I'm very bored!!

Bored day.. :( staying at home rotting! Oh well.. Got to start on homework soon or I doubt that I could finish it.. Haha. Haiz, it's been almost 3 weeks and I have not gotten back my handphone... They returned it On Monday with a new battery however , they have given me the wrong battery:| wth, so mummy took back and they told her have to wait for another 3 days for the battery! Oh well, what can I do? Finally I could change my phone plan!:] waited so long for it. Lol! But I've got to wait for my dad to be free... Most probably on Sunday? :]:]

Happy, for ( a short time )?

It's really cute and it makes me happy:)
I really enjoys it.
Happy that every morning when I wake up and checks my phone there's something from you.
Happy that every night you would text me.
How great would it be if this lasts throughout?
I know that what we are thinking are different..
Sometimes, will asking it be the right choice?
There's always this question in my mind, is it right to let you know about it?
Sometimes it seems so, sometimes not..
Well, just so you know.. :) 

Changes.. Good or Bad?

Everything seems to change recently..
Good or Bad for me?
Though I feel happy but I am afraid those are all short terms.
I'm afraid it's all just once my wishful thoughts,
indeed if it's true how great would it be?
Just like what you have said.. things just change.
We don't even know why.
We might be thinking of different things when things just happens
Maybe once again I'm thinking too much..
:'(